Luigi Quits ‘Mario Brothers’
Sunday Funnies #3: The videogame icon is tired of Mario’s shit
Growing up, I was a big fan of the comics section of the Sunday newspaper, which we colloquially called ‘the funnies.’ This is an attempt to tap into some of that energy. Sometimes the best way to talk about pop culture is to make fun of it.By the time Luigi’s Range Rover pulls into the empty parking lot, he’s thirty minutes late.
His SUV is lime green, naturally.
He folds himself into the passenger seat of my sedan, muttering under his breath in Italian. We sit in suffocating silence. The first raindrops splatter the windshield, tracing a path through the fogged glass, running like tears.
“I was happy to be a plumber. Did you know that?”
I lean forward and flick on the recorder.
“How could you know? That was long ago, before Miyamoto. Before Nintendo. My brother, he no like plumbing so much. Thought it beneath us.”
I let him talk. My editor once said a good reporter is like a priest.
He sighs heavily. “Was it fun, snaking out a toilet clogged by some guy’s massive shits? Of course no. I no like going home every night with the smell on me. But there was nobility in the work. Helping people. Is better than all the fame.”
“Your brother — he disagrees?”
He glances at me, eyes narrowed. “Why’s it always about Mario? A-Mario this and a-Mario that. I’m a-Luigi. Number one.” He thumps his chest.
“Of course. But his name is on all the games.”
Luigi scoffs. “Mario Brothers. When he suggest this to me, I tell him—this is dumb idea. It should be Cazzaniga Brothers.”
“Cazzaniga? That’s your family name?” It somehow never occurred to me that the famous Italian plumbers-cum-videogame mascots would even have such a thing; it’d be like discovering Jesus’ last name was Smith.
“Si.” A faint smile touches his lips. “Been long time since I heard my own family’s name. Reminds me of good joke — Cazzaniga? Che nome lungo.”1
“Pardon?”
“Our name, close translation is ‘black dick.’ Punchline is: ‘what a long name’.”
His laughter turns bitter. “I say to Mario, ‘Black Dick Brothers sounds like hilarious game. I would play.’ But Mario, he no like that. Says kids will be playing. Not appropriate. I tell him, we will not whip out our dicks and beat Koopas with them. But he no listen.”
He fumbles out a pack of cigarettes. The sudden flare of his lighter reflects in his dark, expressive eyes. He draws a shaky breath and exhales smoke.
I crack the window.
“He goes to Miyamoto behind my back. Signs contract. This is why his name on all the games. This is why his face everywhere.” Luigi points at me with the glowing end of his cigarette. “It’s a-why we Mario Brothers. Not Cazzaniga brothers. Not Mario and Luigi. Mario Brothers. Is his name Mario Mario? No. It make no sense. I tell him. He no listen.”
“Why didn’t you leave? Why work on the games at all?”
“We brothers. That means something. When we are plumbers, our motto was: ‘Mario and Luigi: We Handle Your Shit’. Always it was Mario and Luigi. I I thought if I was patient, maybe it would be so again.
“Miyamoto and Mario try to make me happy. Give me my own series: Luigi’s Mansion. I say okay. Give it a try. But the mansion is shitty, si? Falling apart. And ghosts everywhere. Did they mention to Luigi that mansion was haunted? No. If there’s a-one thing Luigi hates more than blue shells, it’s a-ghosts. Mario know this. Think it good joke.”
He flicks his cigarette into the rain. “I realize nothing will change. So I walk away. Next Nintendo game will be Mario Brother. Or maybe just Mario. Is what they should have been anyway.”
The sound of rain deepens as he opens the door.
“Will you go back to plumbing?”
“No. Laying pipe every day is young man’s game.”
“What then?”
He smiles, eyes crinkling. “I find many ladies online like my name. Cazzaniga. Have many many dates.”
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Notes, With Additional Commentary
I actually don’t know what else to say about this one. It kinda speaks for itself. And it's self-evident if you’ve known me for all of 5 seconds.
This week I channeled a lot of my election fallout angst into pop culture-themed funnies. We all cope in our own ways.
You’ll need to click on this one for the complete list of changes Palpatine plans on implementing day 1, assuming he’s not too busy playing space golf.
A lot of news this week about Trump’s desired appointees for prominent cabinet positions. Reminded me of a different kind of board room.
That’s from Austin Powers, if it doesn’t look familiar. Here’s the scene.
Seriously tho: It does feel like Trump is assembling a group of budget Bond villains as his cabinet.
Speaking of cabinet appointees—I was especially proud of this one.
I think I’d prefer the man-eating shark to the brain worm guy.
That’s it for this edition of the Sunday funnies! Have a great week.
I went looking for a good Italian name when writing the Luigi story and stumbled across that joke (“What a long name”) in the process. That amazing coincidence gave me my punchline.
Excellent.